Motherless Child

Just laying here thinking am I supposed to feel this empty for the rest of my life? Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I am so sad and devastated. My mother died when I was 8 months old and my grandmother dies when I was 16 years old. My sister tried to step in but I was so full of hurt, pain and anger. What have I done to get people who I know beyond the shadow of a doubt would have loved me. I am a good person. I will give up my last to someone else. I love to laugh. I love to make other people happy. I am a great cook. I am a good singer. I am a business woman. I may be fat but I am pretty. Why did I deserve to get stripped of something of such great value? I try to focus on my kids when I get sad but I was Angie before I had kids. I had this same emptiness before they got here. They bring me joy but I have ambivalent feelings toward Mothers Day. Same thing happens every year. I thought I would  be over this by now. The older I get ....the more I hate that I have no mother to text...no mother to call...no mother to call. I would love to call her and exchange recipes. I would love to have a cool tradition with my mom. It's strange even typing "my mom" because I don't even know how to react to what that means because I was the kid that all the older people tried to take care of because she "had no one". Now I know exactly what that means. Having no one...I am very very very familiar with that.

The love that my husband gives me is not enough to comfort this pain either. I never wanted him to feel the pain that I go through but his dad just recently past away and we all miss him and think of him often. I can just look at my husband and see the look on his face and already know he is missing and thinking of his dad. Even though he was a father in law. He was a father in love. He always treated me with love. 

Sometimes I listen to old school music and wonder if my mother listened to it at some point in her life. My grandmother told me she liked Sunkist Orange Pop...so I started drinking it when she told me that because any information I got about my mother I wanted to do what she did to feel closer to her. That didn't work either. She was quiet, meek, soft spoken and slow to anger. I was filled with ranging anger as a child. I remember being in first grade...second grade...hell every grade in elementary and being in class all alone on "Take Your Kid To Work Day" I had no one to take me to work. I used to always ask my Auntie Kim if I could go to work with her on that day at the City Hall but she traveled a lot so I stopped asking. I was searching for my individuality. I wanted to find something that could never be found. I even pushed my sister away back. I still was full of anger and would just lash out at her. I didn't want to get close to anyone because people I love eventually die. I didn't want to keep getting my heart ripped out my chest.

I wonder what was my mother's favorite color. I love pink. Purple is okay but pink just makes me happy. De'Lon told me a while ago that my mother could sing....I thought I got my voice from my Auntie Jean. I am just so lost I don't know her and I wish I did. I don't know what her favorite tv show was or her favorite movie. My favorite movie is "Long Kiss Goodnight" ...I could watch it 10 times in a row. Literally. I would like to know how she felt when she saw me for the first time when I was born. I will never know. My aunts and uncle has memories of her and I make up my own fantasies in my head and convince myself that that's what it is when in reality I know nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have one sister I trust with my life....my other sisters are strangers. Selina I can't deal with at all and Tonya I just lost contact with and has been meaning to call her but I don't know what to say. My Goodson cousins are like sisters to me but they are not. I really wish they were my biological sisters too but again, they are not. 

I remember when my husband proposed to me. No lie, that night I was thinking how cheated out of life I have been given. I had no mother to call and be excited about this next stage in my life. I will go through all the stages of my life with no mother to consult. My Auntie Jean is the closest think I have to a mother but she doesn't like it when I cry and am sad so I don't call often because I don't want to ruin a good day or evening she was having with me being sad and emotional. So I only call her when I am in good spirits. My Uncle Carl I just started back talking to him recently but I haven't talked to him since January. I miss him. He sent me some pictures of my mother and I appreciate that. I am going to end this because  no matter what I type my life will be the same. Motherless. Time magazine could publish this and I will still be Motherless. Oprah could have me on a show to talk about it but I would not go because talking never does anything. I learned that as a child. Talking and doing is two very different things.

I remember when Mt. Sinai, my old church built a new extension on the other side and I was sad because even being that young I knew I wanted to stay on the old side when my mother was at some point. I just wanted to be where she once was. To sit on the pew she once sat at....even then that was my mentality. I just want to smile. I don't think that I will betray my mother by being happy and not crying for her or my grandmother....even. I honestly am laying here in this bed on my stomach...I have been crying the WHOLE time I have been writing this. Again, I would like to smile. I like smiling. My heart has other plans. So I will pretend like my mother is here by me reading what I am typing.

Dear Mom,

I really wish...

I can't do this. This is too much. My tears are clouding my vision.

As always, I will tell you if your mother didn't.... You have one mother. Once she is gone you have no second chance. Give her roses while she is alive.

I'm out ....